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Waiting, with Attitude

June 16, 2010

For those of you who don’t know – I’m gay. And now I’m publishing that fact on the internet. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this – I met my boyfriend online – but it is the first time I’ve done it in this sort of context, that is, thoughtfully, contemplatatively and without any accompanying photographs. Well, apart from the one in the blog’s header.

The reason for this little exaltation of sexual preference is down in no small part to BMI Baby. My flight home was delayed, leaving me at Cardif Airport on my own for 2 hours. This is nothing new though, I’ve been flying to and from boarding school and university for 8 years and after that much back-and-forth you get used to delays and find something to occupy yourself with*. So today, after my laptop battery died and abruptly ended my Sims 3 gaming time, I went to the shop and bought – and read – a copy of Attitude magazine. Yeah, I read it. In public and everything. Right in the middle of the food court. I didn’t even hide the pictures of the men in pants. Get me!

You can tell I’m a little bit excited by this can’t you. I know I shouldn’t be. I know that today sexuality isn’t the issue it once was, and that acceptance is now the norm. These days people are free to buy and read whatever they like when they’re waiting for public transport (though that Justin Beiber magazine would have been a bit much). But even so, buying that gay magazine and not hiding it thrilled me. I sat there, surrounded by the utmost normality, and I felt exhilarated. And somehow validated, because it was me doing it. Me, Nick de Fig, the nerdy kid from Jersey who was socially awkward all the way up to 18 and who never knew what it was he wanted to prove or where he wanted to end up. I was ignorant of so much, both about the world and about myself. That kid is still a bit part of me, and people who know me may be surprised to learn that I regularly have serious confidence issues. But thanks to university and all my incredible friends, the journey I’ve been on has taken me a long way from the naive boy that I once was. It seems fitting then that this delay, this small epiphany, happened on my last ever flight home from university. As I sat there in the departure lounge with my copy of Attitude open on the table – exposing myself to the world, even if the world didn’t really care all that much – I was smiling. I was me. I was a man. And I was free.

And it was wonderful.

—-

*Having said that I did just have a mini panic-attack because I suddenly realised I didn’t know where my boarding card was, and was convinced I’d left it at security. It was in my bag. Some seasoned traveller I am. *facepalm*

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 16, 2010 6:53 pm

    Liberations always feel exhalting, I find.

  2. HonestIago permalink
    June 22, 2010 10:01 am

    Congratulations mate, I think almost every gay person goes through a similar epiphany. For me it was the first time I stood in a gay bar and just drank it all it.

    You mentioned it in passing on the Who thread on hootoo and I did a double-take, but thought nothing more of it and I doubt many noticed it.

    But for the future, Gay Times is far superior to Attitude.

    • June 22, 2010 3:51 pm

      I’ve bought Gay Times a few times and thought it was ok but at the moment I prefer Attitude because it feels a bit more edgy and covers so many aspects of gay life so well.

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