Lost in Transition
Have you ever just not known how you feel? After something significant has happened, have you had trouble working out how you’re reacting to it? Maybe you’re sleeping a lot, feeling generally zoned out or you’re off your food, but aside from those physical things you’ve got no idea what’s going on in your own head?
Well that’s sort of where I am right now. Something big in my life has changed, and since it happened I’ve not been able to figure out how this change is affecting me. Many things surrounding it haven’t changed; to an outside observer things may look like they’re ticking-over as normal, even though there’s very little mental ticking-over going on at all right now. I feel like I’m stuck in an echo of whatever my routine was before this happened. Where the only changes that are visible are small ones but where cumulative effect of these changes is vast, yet at the same time they seem to have no affect on me at all. I look normal, I’m acting normally, why would I not be fine? When I need them my normal mental faculties come running, ready to answer a question or laugh at a joke. Then when their jobs are done they dissolve into the nothingness that has become my default, the non-mood that has pervaded my mind and out of which there seems no easy path.
There’s a lot of me doesn’t want to talk about this. If I do then I have to explain the whole situation and frankly a lot of the time I’d rather just not, especially when it comes to the details. Having said that, I realise that posting something on a blog isn’t what you’d call ‘not talking about it’. However, even though it’s not even been a week since it happened I think it’s getting to the point where I need to talk about it in some form, even if it’s just so I can work out how I feel. That’s as good a first step as any right?
Though I’d like to end with something a bit more positive, at the moment I don’t really think I have it in me. I’m sure normal service will resume eventually but in the meantime, dear reader, I’d appreciate your patience. And maybe some more tea.